These were taken from actual high school essays and collected by English teachers across the country for their own amusement. Some of these kids may have bright futures as humor writers.
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of... E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Friday, November 17, 2006
Land of 10,000 Stories: The Art of Compassion
Bad news rolled into Northome, Minnesota on November 17, 2003.
It stopped for directions at the post office, headed east out of town past the high school, and then bad news turned in the driveway of Arland and Karen Panchot.
"I seen those two soldiers there and I knew... what had happened," said Arland.
Arland and Karen both knew. All that was left to learn were the details of how their son Dale had died in Iraq. The Bradley Fighting Vehicle he was riding in was hit by a rocket propelled grenade.
"Our son was the third soldier killed from Minnesota," said Karen.
Now three years later, the same rural roads that carried bad news to Northome, in a sense are bringing Dale Panchot back home.
"It's going to be a surprise when that truck pulls up," said Arland, as he waited anxiously for a morning delivery.
Eyes would be wider still if they could back up the delivery truck two weeks, and somehow see the woman delivering their son.
Kaziah Hancock shares a ranch with 100 goats at the base of a Mountain in Utah. She is an artist and she is as colorful as the palette she paints from.
"Kaziah cooks. She starts cranking, she cooks," the artist says about herself to no one in particular as she attacks the canvas in front of her.
On her easel is a partially finished portrait of Staff Sergeant Dale Panchot.
"What a sweet guy," she said. "I believe he really is a guy that would give the shirt off his back."
Kaziah should know about giving, she is doing plenty of it herself these days.
It started three years ago when a tearful Kaziah painted a portrait of Utah's first deceased soldier, then kept going. Today she's completed nearly 250 portraits of soldiers, airmen and Marines from nearly every state.
"At least it's a way to say, 'Hey I love you kiddo,'" said Kaziah, as she held up another recently finished portrait.
Like the others, it will never be sold or displayed by Kaziah. Each soldier portrait is framed and shipped by Kaziah to surviving family members no cost.
"You get to go home to Mama," said Kaziah, as she closed the shipping carton on one of her recently completed works.
Kaziah can't begin to estimate the income she has forfeited, painting deceased sons and daughters instead of the landscapes and portraits she normally sells for thousands of dollars. Yet all she has to do is read the thank you notes from grateful families, and her inner banker goes on permanent holiday.
"It's not some God damn sacrifice, and it's not pain and misery that I have to go through," said Kaziah.
"I'm not in misery, I'm working for a friend. They're my buddies. We got a good thing going. This is a partnership. This is a team," she said, referring to the subject of her touching portraits.
Long ago a bout with ovarian cancer left Kaziah unable to have children of her own. Minnesota's Dale Panchot, the soldier currently on her easel, is just her latest adopted son.
It's a relationship that will leave her both happier and sad.
"Because he just should have been a daddy, he should have been a husband, until he's 80 years old, I would have so loved not to have painted him."
Kaziah figured out years ago that an artist can do little to stop a war. Her gift would be the deliveries to the people left to battle at home.
Arland and Karen Panchot were both at their rural Northome home when the delivery truck pulled in their driveway.
They ripped off the wrapping on the package, and then Karen hesitated for an instant before opening the box.
"Oh, that is awesome," she said as she and Arland got their first look at the portrait of their son.
Attached to the painting was a hand-written note. It read, "May you feel your son's love everyday. God bless you, Love Kaziah."
The Karen and Arland have never met Kaziah Hancock and probably never will. But two parents who can't take their eyes off the image of their son is proof that a hug can extend from Utah all the way to the Land of 10,000 Stories.
"He's here. And that's important to me," said Karen.
Kindness is a virtue. But on a ranch in Utah compassion is an art.
For more information on Kaziah and the other artists who have joined her to form 'Project Compassion' visit the following Web site: Click here
By Boyd Huppert, KARE 11 News
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
FDA to parents: Watch for 'abnormal behavior' onTamiflu
WASHINGTON (AP) -- More than 100 recent cases of delirium, hallucinations and other unusual psychiatric behavior in Japanese patients treated with Tamiflu should have parents watching for similar reactions when treating their children with the flu drug.
That's the new advice from.... the Food and Drug Administration in adding a new precaution to the label of the influenza drug, prescribed about 2 million times a year in the United States.
The FDA updated the label after receiving the 103 reports of abnormal behavior, most of which involved children in Japan. Japan uses more Tamiflu than any other country in the world, with more than 30 million prescriptions since 2001. It's been prescribed about 8 million times in the United States since 1999. (Watch what side effects have been reported -- 1:29 Video)
The FDA said that a relationship between the drug and the behavior had not been established and that the updated label was "intended to mitigate a potential risk associated with Tamiflu." It recommends that close monitoring of patients begin immediately after starting treatment with the drug.
The changes bring the U.S. label more in line with the Japanese one, which already warned that such abnormal behavior could occur. The previous FDA-approved label mentioned only that "seizure and confusion" had been seen in some patients.
Tamiflu is made by the Swiss pharmaceutical company Roche Holding AG. Roche spokesman Terence Hurley said there was no evidence the drug caused the rarely occurring adverse events.
Both Roche and the FDA also said that severe cases of the flu can spark the abnormal behavior flagged in the updated label.
Furthermore, the FDA acknowledged that stopping treatment with Tamiflu could actually harm influenza patients if the virus is the cause of delirium, hallucinations and other abnormal behavior, such as aggression and suicidal thoughts.
Health officials have been sensitive about taking any action that might dissuade people from taking Tamiflu, since the drug could play an important role in an outbreak of bird flu. The drug doesn't prevent flu but can reduce the length and severity of its symptoms.
Previously, Roche has cited studies from the United States and Canada that show the death rate of influenza patients who took Tamiflu was far below those who did not.
Still, the number of reports of bizarre behavior is increasing.
The 103 new cases occurred between Aug. 29, 2005, and July 6, 2006. The tally marks a sharp increase when compared with the 126 similar cases logged over more than five years between the drug's approval in 1999 and August 2005, the FDA said.
Even though severe cases of the flu can spark abnormal behavior, the number and nature of the newly reported cases -- along with comments from doctors who believe the behavior was associated with the drug -- keep the FDA from ruling out Tamiflu as the cause, the agency said.
Tamiflu is one of the few drugs believed effective in treating bird flu, which health officials fear could spark a pandemic should it mutate into a form easily passed from human to human.
According to the label, Tamiflu is for the treatment of uncomplicated acute illness due to flu in patients 1 year and older who have shown symptoms for no more than two days.
Copyright 2006 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.
That's the new advice from.... the Food and Drug Administration in adding a new precaution to the label of the influenza drug, prescribed about 2 million times a year in the United States.
The FDA updated the label after receiving the 103 reports of abnormal behavior, most of which involved children in Japan. Japan uses more Tamiflu than any other country in the world, with more than 30 million prescriptions since 2001. It's been prescribed about 8 million times in the United States since 1999. (Watch what side effects have been reported -- 1:29 Video)
The FDA said that a relationship between the drug and the behavior had not been established and that the updated label was "intended to mitigate a potential risk associated with Tamiflu." It recommends that close monitoring of patients begin immediately after starting treatment with the drug.
The changes bring the U.S. label more in line with the Japanese one, which already warned that such abnormal behavior could occur. The previous FDA-approved label mentioned only that "seizure and confusion" had been seen in some patients.
Tamiflu is made by the Swiss pharmaceutical company Roche Holding AG. Roche spokesman Terence Hurley said there was no evidence the drug caused the rarely occurring adverse events.
Both Roche and the FDA also said that severe cases of the flu can spark the abnormal behavior flagged in the updated label.
Furthermore, the FDA acknowledged that stopping treatment with Tamiflu could actually harm influenza patients if the virus is the cause of delirium, hallucinations and other abnormal behavior, such as aggression and suicidal thoughts.
Health officials have been sensitive about taking any action that might dissuade people from taking Tamiflu, since the drug could play an important role in an outbreak of bird flu. The drug doesn't prevent flu but can reduce the length and severity of its symptoms.
Previously, Roche has cited studies from the United States and Canada that show the death rate of influenza patients who took Tamiflu was far below those who did not.
Still, the number of reports of bizarre behavior is increasing.
The 103 new cases occurred between Aug. 29, 2005, and July 6, 2006. The tally marks a sharp increase when compared with the 126 similar cases logged over more than five years between the drug's approval in 1999 and August 2005, the FDA said.
Even though severe cases of the flu can spark abnormal behavior, the number and nature of the newly reported cases -- along with comments from doctors who believe the behavior was associated with the drug -- keep the FDA from ruling out Tamiflu as the cause, the agency said.
Tamiflu is one of the few drugs believed effective in treating bird flu, which health officials fear could spark a pandemic should it mutate into a form easily passed from human to human.
According to the label, Tamiflu is for the treatment of uncomplicated acute illness due to flu in patients 1 year and older who have shown symptoms for no more than two days.
Copyright 2006 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.
Minnesota Roller Girls
The half time show was a polka band. The band's finale was The Ventures 1963 timeless hit "Wipe Out" on an Alpine Horn. Awesome!
Check it out here
Thursday, November 09, 2006
The final results of the recall--no change
CITY MAYOR MANDAN
Vote for no more than 1
Kenneth D LaMont . . . . . . . . 3,108 50.47
Wes R Eisenmann . . . . . . . . 1,240 20.14
Susan Beehler . . . . . . . . . 1,785 28.99
WRITE-IN. . . . . . . . . . . 25 .41
CITY COMMISSIONER MANDAN
Vote for no more than 2
Dan Ulmer . . . . . . . . . . 3,339 32.71
Sandy Tibke. . . . . . . . . . 3,785 37.08
Kathy Heisler Parkes. . . . . . . 2,914 28.55
WRITE-IN. . . . . . . . . . . 169 1.66
Vote for no more than 1
Kenneth D LaMont . . . . . . . . 3,108 50.47
Wes R Eisenmann . . . . . . . . 1,240 20.14
Susan Beehler . . . . . . . . . 1,785 28.99
WRITE-IN. . . . . . . . . . . 25 .41
CITY COMMISSIONER MANDAN
Vote for no more than 2
Dan Ulmer . . . . . . . . . . 3,339 32.71
Sandy Tibke. . . . . . . . . . 3,785 37.08
Kathy Heisler Parkes. . . . . . . 2,914 28.55
WRITE-IN. . . . . . . . . . . 169 1.66
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
A little time-line of my cousin Vicki's (Rhoda's daughter) career
JOCKEY BATTLING CANCER;
INCURABLE DISEASE DOESN'T STOP DETERMINED WARHOL
By: Jeff Apel
Wearing a wig makes jockey Vicki Warhol feel like a winner in a race that's far from over. She's just leaving the starting gate in her battle against lymphoma. Chemotherapy used to treat the.... incurable cancer that's currently in remission has left Warhol with plenty of bad hair days. "Right now I'm done with the chemo,'' Warhol said. "My hair is coming back. It's coming back wild.''
Warhol hides her short hairstyle under a blond wig when she's not riding at Fonner Park. Seeing herself with hair again gives Warhol hope that one day she will beat a disease that results from out of control body cells forming tumors.
"She's a gutty little gal. I'll tell you that,'' said trainer David C. Anderson. "You've got to really commend her for having the moral strength and the mental strength to come back. Let alone having your body strong enough.''
Not riding again never was an option for Warhol when she was told last June that she had cancer. She wasn't about to give up.
"It was quite a shock,'' said David Essman, a fellow jockey who is Warhol's husband. "You always think it's going to happen to somebody else.
"But you couldn't find a stronger person to do it to. I'll tell you she's as tough as nails.''
Warhol's softer side comes out as she discusses a disease that can be caused by smoking. She turns teary eyed while calling smoking a "bad habit'' that could be the source of an illness that can also be traced to diet and lifestyle choices.
"I've been through worse,'' Warhol said. "I don't like being patient period. I felt good until they started messing with me.''
Warhol's cancer is located in different clusters throughout her body. A lump on her breast led to a diagnosis that was followed by chemotherapy sessions.
The chemotherapy started last October and lasted until just before the Fonner Park meet began on Valentine's Day. For three hours every three weeks, Warhol would watch as an IV pumped medicine into her that was supposed to make her feel better.
It didn't.
"I'm not used to feeling sick all the time. I'm a healthy person,'' Warhol said. "Every day I'd wake up feeling like crap -- every day.''
Clumps of hair began falling out of Warhol's head as the chemotherapy progressed. She wound up shaving her head then started wearing hats after realizing that being bald in the middle of winter wasn't a good idea.
"If it wouldn't have been cold I would have just went on with nothing,'' Warhol said. "When you walk outside it's cold.''
Essman knew his wife of 12 years was hurting each time she looked in the mirror. "The toughest part about it was when she lost her hair. That was tough to handle,'' Essman said. "But she's kind of having fun with the wigs and everything.''
The blond wig makes the rider who responds "early 40s'' when asked about her age look younger. She then points out that she is much younger than Perry Compton -- a 51-year-old rider who is the same age as the track he is competing at.
Compton considers Warhol's return to the saddle an extraordinary feat.
"It's pretty amazing,'' Compton said. "Some people when they get diagnosed with cancer go downhill right away. Others just seems to be able to bounce back. I don't know what the difference is.''
Determination is what has enabled Warhol to keep going. She put aside her feelings of fatigue and anger to ride Tee Times Two to a 7-length win in the $11,775 Bachman Stakes. That win is one of 11 enjoyed by Warhol, who is currently fifth in the rider standings.
"I don't think that most people could have been as stupid to do this,'' Warhol said. "But I wasn't going to sit around and not do anything. I just kept moving and stuff.''
For six months in her hometown of Altoona, Iowa, Warhol didn't do anything with horses while trying to get better. The chemotherapy brought out a big change in a women known for her easy-going nature. She said it made her "mean -- not crabby.''
"The worse part about it was the cure. That's what tore her up the most,'' Essman said. "She was feeling good until she went to cure it with the chemo. That took quite a big toll on her.
"But she played tough. And she wasn't about to get down about it.''
Explaining to her 12-year-old daughter Teddi why mom was so mean was tough for Warhol. Tears form in her eyes as she talks about the punishment she never intended to dish out.
"I was not mean all the time,'' Warhol said. "But the first two days after chemo I was really mean. And I'm not like that.''
Because her cancer is in remission, Warhol isn't scheduled to visit the doctor again for two months. When she does, she will be careful about what she asks.
"I don't ask anymore than I want,'' Warhol said. "Otherwise I might know what I have to do next. I don't really want to know.''
Warhol's father Ted died of colon cancer. The jockey's daughter is named in honor of a man who Warhol watched get sicker and sicker.
"At least the chemo worked,'' Warhol said. "I hadn't known anybody personally that it worked on.
"My dad just got so sick. It didn't help.''
Because she is a female competing in a sport dominated by men, Warhol is a fan favorite. The fans who ask for goggles or want an autograph have no idea what the rider is going through.
"I wish her all the luck in the world because that's a tough deal to fight. I don't care who's got it,'' Anderson said. "I commend her very, very much. She's a gutty gal.''
Warhol knows fighting gives her a better chance of beating a disease there is no known cure for. She realizes her cancer could flare up again at anytime -- but just doesn't know when. She wishes she did. "It could not do anything for a month or a year or five years. They don't know,'' Warhol said. "Maybe if it takes about five or 10 years they may have a cure by then.
"Right now it's incurable. I don't like that.''
--------------------------------------------------
JOCKEY ICON WARHOL IS BACK RIDING AT PRAIRIE MEADOWS
By: Dan Johnson
Vicki's back.
The newest face in Prairie Meadows' jockey colony is also one of its most familiar. Vicki Warhol, the queen of Prairie Meadows during the track's first decade, rode in her first race at the track in two years Saturday.
Warhol finished third in the ninth race on Hot Wheels Missie. While she rode thoroughbreds almost exclusively during her heyday, this was a 440-yard quarter horse dash, showing she is anxious to show trainers she will ride for them.
"I'm fresh and hungry, and they'd be smart to put me on," Warhol said.
Warhol won 100 races when Prairie Meadows opened in 1989 and was the track's leading rider in 1993-94 and '96 while riding for trainer Dick Clark's powerful stable. When they parted company, Warhol's business waned and so did her wins.
While she and husband-jockey David Essman have a house in Altoona, Warhol started spending her summers riding in Nebraska or Colorado.
She won eight races at Fonner Park in Nebraska in the spring, then gave up jockeying to be an exercise rider and pony person - the person on a pony that accompanies racehorses in the post parade - at Canterbury Park in Minnesota.
"I decided I shouldn't be sitting on a pony," Warhol said.
She has battled lymphoma, but says she's been free of the disease for a year and doesn't need a checkup for another six months. Her daughter, Teddi Jean, born during the height of Warhol's success, is now 14 and talks of following her parents' footsteps and becoming a jockey.
Warhol nearly died in a spill at the Woodlands in Kansas several years ago, but still wants to ride.
So she is back at Prairie Meadows. She last rode at Prairie Meadows in 2004 and her last win at the track was in 2003. Just like in the old days, she and Essman battled through the stretch of Saturday's race, with Essman winning on Hooked On Sierra.
She is named on two horses today.
With 577 victories at Prairie Meadows, Warhol is the track's fifth-leading rider in career wins, behind Glenn Corbett, the retired Cindy Murphy, Essman and Terry Thompson. She remains confident that she still has the winning touch.
"I should be riding more live ones," she said. "If I can get the bad ones to run, why not the live horses?"
--------------------------------------------------
JOCKEY WARHOL TRAMPLED BY SALE PHILLY; OUT INDEFINITELY
Prairie Meadows jockey Vicki Warhol is out indefinitely after having a shoulder and five ribs broken while being trampled by a horse in its stall.
Warhol and her daughter, Teddi, were helping prepare yearlings for the Aug. 27 Iowa Thoroughbred Breeders and Owners Association sale. Warhol said she was getting ready to lead a filly out of her stall so she could clean her up when the filly reared up and struck her on the shoulder and ribs. Warhol was knocked to the ground, where the filly continued striking her.
"She became unglued on me and started pounding me to the ground," Warhol said. "She kind of meant it."
The stall door was closed, so Warhol was trapped until help arrived.
"It seemed like I was down for a long time," she said. "I started yelling, 'Open the door!' All I wanted was to get out of there. I'm just glad it wasn't Teddi."
Warhol had a piece of bone atop her right shoulder broken off as well as the five broken ribs and a bruise on her head. She spent six hours at Mercy Medical Center but is recuperating at her Altoona, Iowa, home.
Warhol, who was Prairie Meadows' leading rider in 1993, 1994, and 1996, said she didn't know how long the recovery would take.
"I don't like being on the ground," she said. "I'd rather be on their back."
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
RHODA ANN WARHOL
ALTOONA
published on November 07, 2006
Rhoda Ann Warhol, 71, passed away Sunday November 5, 2006 at Mercy Medical Center. A celebration of her life will be held at the Advent Building on the Prairie Meadows backside on Tuesday, November 7, 2006 at 2 p.m.
Rhoda was born October 30, 1935 to Glenn and Mildred Nelson in Minneapolis, MN. She married Ted Warhol on July 16, 1959.
Rhoda was an accomplished Rodeo Trick Rider, barrel racer and horse trainer and managed Gust-O-Wind Farms for many years. In 1994 she opened the Tack Shack horse supply which has been her livelihood since.
She enjoyed visiting with her many friends she made over the years, and spending time with her children and grandchildren. She was the salt of the earth and loved dearly by anyone that knew her. She will be dearly missed.
She is survived by her son Jay Warhol and Sandy Anjo of Vacaville, CA; daughter Vickie Warhol-Essman, son-in-law David Essman of Altoona; brother John Nelson and his wife Vida of Arizona; grandchildren Teddi-Jean Essman of Altoona, Samantha and Tom Warhol of Salmon, Idaho.
Click here for actual article
ALTOONA
published on November 07, 2006
Rhoda Ann Warhol, 71, passed away Sunday November 5, 2006 at Mercy Medical Center. A celebration of her life will be held at the Advent Building on the Prairie Meadows backside on Tuesday, November 7, 2006 at 2 p.m.
Rhoda was born October 30, 1935 to Glenn and Mildred Nelson in Minneapolis, MN. She married Ted Warhol on July 16, 1959.
Rhoda was an accomplished Rodeo Trick Rider, barrel racer and horse trainer and managed Gust-O-Wind Farms for many years. In 1994 she opened the Tack Shack horse supply which has been her livelihood since.
She enjoyed visiting with her many friends she made over the years, and spending time with her children and grandchildren. She was the salt of the earth and loved dearly by anyone that knew her. She will be dearly missed.
She is survived by her son Jay Warhol and Sandy Anjo of Vacaville, CA; daughter Vickie Warhol-Essman, son-in-law David Essman of Altoona; brother John Nelson and his wife Vida of Arizona; grandchildren Teddi-Jean Essman of Altoona, Samantha and Tom Warhol of Salmon, Idaho.
Click here for actual article
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