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They're Back! Church Bulletins:

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday
afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours"

Dan Wasserman cartoon

Anti-gay fury mars funeral of a soldier in Anoka

Protesters from Kansas say God is killing our soldiers because the U.S. tolerates homosexuality.
Bob Von Sternberg, Star Tribune

Last update: February 23, 2006 – 11:34 PM

On her way into the church where the funeral was to be held for her 23-year-old son Thursday morning, Deirdre Ostlund approached six men and women waving signs against gays and America and told them in a cold fury: "I'm Andrew's mother, and I want you to know you are truly hateful people."

As Ostlund turned away, Shirley Phelps-Roper taunted her: "Adulterer! You can't admit you sent your own child to hell! If she does not heed this warning, she will look up from hell with him."

Her small group continued to sing "God hates America."

But across barricades, crime-scene tape and police officers, 20 flag-waving men and women countered with the original, "God bless America, land that I love ... "

This ritual, unfolding across the nation outside military funerals, arrived in Anoka on Thursday an hour before the funeral for Cpl. Andrew Kemple, who died in Iraq Feb. 12.

The six are members of a church in Topeka, Kan., that espouses the belief that God is killing American soldiers because they fought for a country that tolerates homosexuality. The 20 on the other side are affiliated with the Patriot Guard Riders, a rapidly growing nationwide movement organized to counter that very message.

"We're just trying to show honor and respect for families," said John Lutsch, a St. Cloud resident who heads the Minnesota branch of the Patriot Guard. "I was appalled when I read about these protests, that they'd use a solemn occasion like this as a forum for their views."

He was interrupted by Steve Drain, who bellowed across the divide in front of Zion Lutheran Church that God hates gays, their enablers and "so therefore God hates the U.S. military." For nearly an hour, the Kansans chanted a steady stream of crude homophobic slurs.

Phelps-Roper, the coordinator of the Kansas protesters, is the daughter of Fred Phelps, the pastor of the nondenominational Westboro Baptist Church, He has railed against homosexuality for decades. By his own count, church members have conducted 22,000 picketing demonstrations.

During the 1990s, church members were known mostly for picketing funerals of AIDS victims, but since they have shifted to military funerals, they have raised the hackles of politicians. Minnesota is one of at least 14 states where laws are being considered that would make funeral protests illegal.

Phelps and his followers have long been tracked as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center's Intelligence Project in Montgomery, Ala.

The project's deputy director, Heidi Beirich, said other groups have tried to counter Phelps' message, but none has been as organized as the Patriot Guard.

"I'm not sure anybody has gone to this length to stand in solidarity," she said. "It's nice that these veterans and their supporters are trying to do something. I can't imagine anything worse -- your loved one is killed in Iraq and you've got to deal with Fred Phelps."

All you need is heart

The Patriot Guard got its start in Kansas in October, when motorcycle-riding veterans got fed up with the Westboro church's picketing and decided to show up and place themselves between the demonstrators and mourners.

The organization has grown quickly with chapters in nearly every state and more than 8,700 members, about 100 of them so far in Minnesota, Lutsch said.

"It's really branched out to where it's not just vets and not just bikers," he said. "You don't have to have a bike, but you've got to have a heart."

Nodding toward the Kansans, he said, "Family, friends and mourners shouldn't have to deal with that without us showing them something positive."

Kim Busch came to Anoka from her home in Shakopee to show support for Kemple's family. "Antiwar demonstrations are one thing, but I can't get my mind around those people. How can people who say they're possessed by God be filled with such hate?"

Bill Binger, a member of the Veterans of Foreign Wars post in Isanti, turned away from Phelps' followers in disgust.

"Oh, go home," he told them. "You have no business being here."

Countered Phelps-Roper: "That old guy better watch out for the wrath of God."

The Rev. Tim Johnson watched the dueling protests from the sidewalk in front of his church as Gov. Tim Pawlenty entered Zion Lutheran, shaking his head at the spectacle.

"As a pastor, two things make me mad," Johnson said. "One, that he [Phelps] actually is a pastor, and two, that people would follow him. They pass themselves off as Christian, but all this talk about God hates -- it's just a contradiction in terms."

After an hour, just as the funeral was starting, the six Kansans drove away in their van as the Patriot Guard mockingly serenaded them, "Hit the road, Jack, and don't you come back no more."

A few minutes later, Deirdre Ostlund stood before a packed church sanctuary near her son's flag-draped coffin.

"Nothing can separate us from the love of God, and Andrew knew that," she said. "No matter what he did, God loved him. And now, nothing will ever separate me, or any of us, from Andrew."

The Associated Press contributed to this report.

Bob von Sternberg • 612-673-7184

Park Rapids Enterprise.com (full story)

Anglers caught their limit of fun
Lu Ann Hurd-Lof, Editor
02/08/2006


Even though their ice fishing gear was stashed for the afternoon, participants in the 8th Annual American Legion Community Fishing Derby trolled for prizes Saturday afternoon.

The fishing contest was cancelled Jan. 27 out of concern ice conditions on Fish Hook Lake were unsafe.

According to Legion commander Mike Kyllonen, 5,237 of 6,000 possible tickets were sold. Given the option, only 17 people asked for a refund.

The announcement of raffle winners proceeded at 5:30 p.m. with a full house at the Legion. As of Tuesday morning, the name of the winning ticket seller remains unknown.

Jerry Wilcox of Park Rapids won the grand prize of a 2006 Chevy Silverado half-ton pickup and Roxanne Johnson of Walker won the 2006 Polaris Ranger 4x4 that would have gone to the angler with the third largest fish caught.

Other major prizes given were as follows:

Rick Blundell of Remer won two $50 gift cards from J&B Foods and Denny Ulmer of Park Rapids won a depth finder.

Nick Coleman: New pro-war ad cynically exploits families' grief

Another pro-war ad is getting a trial run on some Twin Cities TV stations, repackaging the same deceptions that I deconstructed last Sunday. The first ad was bad enough, but the newest installment in this expensive effort to shore up support for the war in Iraq is not honest about a mother's grief.




Click to read full story

CNN.com - Lawmakers urges White House to review Arab port takeover - Feb 16, 2006

WASHINGTON (AP) -- U.S. lawmakers formally asked the Bush administration Thursday to reconsider its approval of a sale giving a company in the United Arab Emirates control over significant operations at six major American ports.

Click link below for full story!
CNN.com - Lawmakers urges White House to review Arab port takeover - Feb 16, 2006

Be Very Afraid... Conservatives float Jeb Bush as presidential candidate

By Kenneth T. Walsh

Posted 2/15/06

A surprising name is being floated in conservative circles for the presidency in 2008: Jeb Bush, the incumbent's younger brother and the two-term governor of Florida.

Most pundits thought Jeb had taken himself out of the running, but his Republican admirers think he might change his mind after he leaves office (he is term-limited in Florida) and realizes he has a great opportunity to win the White House in '08. Jeb's wife and daughter are believed to oppose any return to politics, but it's thought that their objections can be eased with a little time away from the limelight.

On the purely political side, conservatives say Jeb's record as Florida governor has been exemplary–even better in some ways than his brother's as Texas governor before Dubya won the White House in 2000.

"Jeb is the most successful Republican governor in the country," says a senior GOP strategist. "He cut taxes, reduced the number of government officials in Florida, got tort reform ... and Jeb is a proven vote-getter who has won Florida twice, the last time by a big margin. He'd be a powerful candidate if he could be convinced to run."

Of course there's always the problem of "Bush fatigue" – having another member of the Bush family seek the White House after George Herbert Walker Bush and George W. Bush held the office. But Jeb's fans say that problem would be minimized if Hillary Rodham Clinton wins the Democratic nomination as expected, potentially pitting one dynasty against another and taking the edge off the issue for Jeb.

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Rob Corddry: "Jon, tonight the vice president is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Wittington. According to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush.

"And while the quail turned out to be a 78-year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Whittington's face."

Jon Stewart: "But why, Rob? If he had known Mr. Whittington was not a bird, why would he still have shot him?"

Rob Corddry: "Jon, in a post-9-11 world, the American people expect their leaders to be decisive. To not have shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak."

Snakes Rock!

Dick Cheney Quail Hunt (click here)

Cheney Shooting Victim Suffers Heart-Attack

The man hospitalized after being shot by Vice President Cheney has suffered a "minor heart-attack," according to a hospital spokesman.

Harry Whittington was shot by Cheney during a hunting trip and was hospitalized in stable condition.

"Some of the birdshot appears to have moved and lodged into part of his heart," hospital spokesman Peter Banko said during a televised press conference.

The asymptomatic heart attack was discovered after doctors discovered an irregular heartbeat while performing tests to determine the best course of action for his gunshot wounds.

Hospital officials anticipate the 78-year old will remain in the hospital for at least another 7 days.

WOAI contributed to this report.

Photo Copyright Getty Images

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Submitted by: Sara

Mark Dayton: The destructive decline in school funding

MINNEAPOLIS - ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA

Last update: January 24, 2006 – 1:03 AM




Minnesotans should be alarmed by the cutbacks and hold politicians accountable.

Mark Dayton
The reduction in state funding for Minnesota's public schools and schoolchildren has been the biggest policy failure in my lifetime, and its consequences will hurt our state for many years to come.

The state's general education aid for each public school student in kindergarten through 12th grade during this school year is 11 percent less than it was 15 years ago, after accounting for inflation. Even with the increased funding provided by the Minnesota Legislature, real per pupil aid for the next school year will still be 9 percent less than in 1990-91.

Our state's funding for our children's education has also declined relative to other states' efforts. Minnesota's per pupil expenditures for its K-12 students dropped from 18th-best among the 50 states and the District of Columbia in 1990 to 22nd place in 2004, even though our state's per capita income ranking rose from 14th place in 1990 to ninth-highest in 2004. In other words, while our financial ability to fund public education increased, our actual and relative financial commitments both declined.

The negative consequences from that loss of funding show up in other comparisons. Minnesota's teacher/student ratio (class size) dropped to 37th-best among the states in 2004. Our average public school teacher's salary that year was $2,300 below the national average. And Minnesota is one of only 18 states that do not provide funding for all-day kindergarten.

The federal government has also failed to provide its promised share of funding for our elementary and secondary schools.

When Congress mandated special education in 1977, it promised to pay for 40 percent of the costs. Today's federal funding for special education is less than half of that promised amount, which will cost Minnesota schools almost $250 million this year. I have offered six amendments to increase the federal share to 40 percent, and all six have failed.

Minnesotans should be alarmed by the state's cutbacks in education funding. Historically, our well-educated children have become successful adults. Those adults have been the keys to our state's prosperity, social advances, and almost everything we value.

Conversely, people in states with lower education expenditures have experienced lower incomes, higher crime rates and poorer social conditions. Minnesota's per capita income dropped from seventh-highest among the states in 2002 to ninth place in 2004. Whether or not that drop was caused by lower education spending, it is a disturbing trend.

Another reason that the state's declining commitment to our public schools is so destructive is because their challenges are so much greater than ever before.
For example, Rochester Mayo High School's 1,800 students speak 54 languages. At Eagan's Pilot Knob elementary school, 18 languages are spoken. At Austin's Community Learning School, newly arriving children learn English in one classroom, and their parents learn English in another classroom.

During the past few years, I have visited hundreds of Minnesota schools, and I have been in thousands of classrooms. I have seen students attending regular classes in wheelchairs, on stretchers, with intravenous tubes, and using voice synthesizers. All of those children and so many others with individual learning differences are not only being included, but also being taught at their many different levels by extraordinarily committed teachers and other dedicated school personnel.

Those amazing efforts and their extraordinary successes are seldom recognized or appreciated. To the contrary, criticizing public schools and denigrating their teachers are favorite ploys of politicians who want to cut funds for schoolchildren in order to cut taxes for wealthy adults.

Gov. Tim Pawlenty recently unveiled his latest version of "blame the victim." It seems he wants Minnesotans to believe that school districts have plenty of money; it's just that they are spending it irresponsibly.

As President Theodore Roosevelt liked to say, "That is bull feathers!"
No public officials understand the value of a dollar better than school board members, superintendents and principals. Year after year, they have been forced to cut their schools' budgets, lay off needed teachers, increase class sizes, eliminate important courses, and forgo essential renovations.

The principal blame for whatever is wrong with Minnesota's public schools belongs to politicians in St. Paul and Washington who have refused to provide the resources to make them better. They love to preach "accountability"; however, they don't hold themselves accountable for their own failures. We should.
And if Minnesotans are unwilling to pay for the schools our children deserve, we have no one to blame but ourselves.







Mark Dayton, a Democrat, represents Minnesota in the U.S. Senate.
©2006 Star Tribune. All rights reserved.